Separatism: Redux

published: 2022-08-01

More than three years ago, I wrote a post about female separatism, or the concept that only by women divesting themselves of the need, or even the presence, of men in their lives and by working to build female-only institutions and otherwise centering women in their lives can they truly achieve liberation from the male-built structures, most of which fall under the term patriarchy. Because many of the structures in today's society require interacting with males- to name a few, college professors, plumbers and other home maintenance professionals, businesses- with no viable alternative, it is considered the work of every female separatist to contribute in some way to providing female-owned equivalents. At the time, after considering the concept, I ultimately rejected it because I was still struggling to reconcile my individualist belief that no person should be held responsible for crimes they did not commit with the radical feminist truth that men as a class are responsible for almost all problems faced by women. I only wanted to see the world as a collection of unrelated and coincidental events that maybe sometimes had deleterious effects in my life instead of burdened by an unconscious machination working to keep every woman oppressed at all costs. I stated that, if I were to flee to a separatist land, a Second Realm, I would choose one ran by libertarians (despite their continued failures) rather than by women, radfem or not, because I believed that lip service to the concepts of freedom and bodily autonomy would be enough to keep me safe from said misogynist machinations that employ every man alive.

But after having spent time in online women-only spaces and of pouring effort into the friendships with the women in my life, I think I have changed my mind.

The Internet as it currently stands is no place for a woman, no matter her mental fortitude. I have gone through many a social media site throughout my time in this hellscape, from mainstream places like Twitter to the Fediverse to "Reddit runoff" link aggregators like Ramble to indie forums. Inevitably what happens is some male comes in, convinced that he knows better than me despite, from his words and the way he conducts himself, having clearly misinterpreted my argument, and starts "dick-swinging" until I get tired of attempting to put out the flames of his tantrum or arguing with a brick wall and decide to go do something more productive with my time, at which point he declares himself the "winner" of the "debate". As I have gotten older and less desperate for validation on the Internet, I have found myself opting for this "walk away" approach more and more. Every social media site that is not explicitly for females is rife with misogyny: Reddit's legion porn subreddits and male infestation of formerly female-centered places, "tradcaths" and "coomers" on Twitter and Tumblr, blatant calls to violence against women on literally every imageboard I've ever seen...

All space becomes male space unless females maintain a concerted effort to mark a space for themselves.
- Sheila Jeffreys

For a long long time I have wished for a female-only lowercase-I internet. Even just a darknet, an overlay network a la Yggdrasil, a place no man could ever traverse. (Of course, it would be difficult without some kind of centralization to verify that only females are accessing the network, but this post is not concerned with implementation details.) A place without the cruft and scum and constant fighting for recognition of my worth as a person that defines the male-dominated Internet. From what I have seen of the few spaces like this on the clearnet I have found, I can extrapolate what this new network would look like: far less (maybe even no) pornography being spammed everywhere, less needless software complexity in the name of "dick-swinging" to pad out one's programming portfolio or resume, less soulless corporatist minimalism, fewer threats of violence, less harassment (sexual or otherwise), less SEO spam and blog chum... kinder interactions, more vibrant personality on personal websites...

Less energy spent "proving" my worth as a (physically) human being.

As far as socializing with strangers online goes, I have within the past few months taken up refuge in Ovarit (and ThePinkPill when the former doesn't have an appropriate "circle" for what I want to post or when said thing has already been posted but the discussion is dead and archived). In the process, I have discovered that I don't hate social media, I'm just tired of interacting with men. I have literally never had an argument on Ovarit in my time there. Plenty of disagreements and differences in opinion, sure, but no actual fights in the same way I did on an obscure forum in June when some "moid" was insultingly dismissive of my anxiety over the fall of Roe v. Wade. All my interactions on Ovarit have been respectful, if not warm and friendly and supportive. The archetypal social media user who only logs on to stir up shit and be a contrarian has a hard time taking root, quickly banned as a troll uninterested in arguing in good faith or contributing to a productive conversation. The women there (and maybe outside, if I were brave enough to share some of my writing away from the keyboard) just seem to understand my writing in a way that men appear to be fundamentally incapable of: the latter maybe a few key concepts here and there, but rarely, if ever, in its complex totality.

It's funny the respect among users that naturally forms when you're surrounded by people who have already implicitly agreed on the value of your life and your words and your personhood.

Despite it being a public website, I feel safe there in a way I haven't felt online in a long time. It is the same overwhelming feeling of sudden safety oft documented by women entering womyn's festivals for the first time (I think specifically of The Disappearing L by Bonnie J. Morris) and every time thereafter. Being in an environment of all women when one has been living in the world of men all their lives, suddenly cognizant of the male voyeur implanted in their brains since birth demanding they stay "pretty" and "consumable" all the time and how utterly useless it is there. It fills me with sorrow and yet hope at the same time: hopeful because the safety and camaraderie and solidarity expressed in the journals and snippets within prove that female separatist micro-societies can in fact function without men, sorrowful because many of them were shuttered before I came out and ever knew of them, but hopeful again because what once was can be yet again - and is, now, today, in many places throughout the world.

What levels of freedom can I not even conceive of because of the weight of misogyny I've carried all my life? What does a truly liberated female who has never known male-caused violence, male-caused sexualization, male-caused dehumanization look like?

I may never know in my lifetime.

And it infuriates me.

I'm tired of this world of men. Of being caught in the tangle of their lives. And even if I am never able to leave the Golden Cage of the house of my parents, what with the climate crisis and the housing bubble and an unlivable wage and the simple fact of me being incompatible with this world, I wish to build this female Second Realm (which exists now, despite everything) in the ways that I can with the knowledge that I have. To build this world that does not question my basic worth, that does not ask me to live in servitude to any person, that wholeheartedly seeks my development and fruition as a whole and complete person in and of myself free from the bonsai-esque trimming male society imposes on every woman.

After all, in the end, I can only save myself. And this world of men offers no true salvation.